Interview from "Breakfast Without Meat" #12 (1988)

by Derrick Bostrom in

The Breakfast Twins toured with the Meat Puppets during their Jan-Feb, '88 California tour, and while the Pups did not ask them to open the shows with their hilarious routine of taking each others' rib cages out and twisting them into the busts of Canadian vice presidents, the Twins did serve as Meat pups merchandisers, inflammables, and b-b bidy guards. Also, backstage at a show by the Pups and the Reivers in Lxxex, California, the following interview was conducted using Stinky, a tape recorder that constantly shits.


Breakfast: This is stinky, our tape recorder... What should be inside a grab bag?

Curt: Mmmmm, good question. Ice.

Cris: Liver.

Curt: Um, yeah. Fetid, wrong kind of mushroom liver. Um, ice, liver, and black cheese.

Cris: Rotted black meat.

Breakfast: What book would you give to a newborn baby?

Cris: "Teeth Extraction The Hard Way."

Curt: That's good question.

Cris: "Robocop." Fucking Robocop's "Mother Rearing."

Curt: Is this a riddle?

Breakfast: No.

Curt: Oh, okay. It's a hard question. I'd probably give 'em, like, "The L.B.J. Story."

Breakfast: What happens to the will to live after the body vehicle is totaled?

Curt: Uh. Um. Boy! I guess it just crawls back into the same wretched cavity it crawled out of in the first place.

Breakfast: Have you ever been tempted to evil beyond your power to resist?

Curt: (burp). (In low, satanic voice): Yes. Yes. All the time. It's my basic nature. here, watch. (Punches holes in seat of vinyl chair with pencil)

Cris: (In mechanical voice, with mouth overflowing with lettuce): Curt, don't. Don't, Curt, don't.

Breakfast: Who should play Jesus Christ in a factual, historical drama of his life?

Curt: Tom Smothers

Breakfast: How did Philip and Gloria F. get the boat of their dreams - free!

Cris: Blind Couple of the Year Award.

Curt: Get the boat of their dreams? The year-end award? That one went right over me!

Breakfast: Are their any products you'd endorse?

Cris: Healing salve.

Curt: Is money a product?

Breakfast: Yes.

Cris: Vomit.

Curt: I'd like to do an ad for money. For the government.

Cris: (Slimy TV commercial voice): "Have more money. A lot more money."

Curt: (Documentary narration voice): "Money. It can make your dreams come true."

Breakfast: Could someone with the name "Terry Catchings" become president?

Curt: (sighs). I'm convinced that anyone can become president, y'know. If they're a big enough asshole.

Breakfast: What's your favorite crime.

Curt: The presidency.

Breakfast: When was the last time you went haywire and why?

Curt: Still digging in chair with pencil.) Haywire. Haywire in life.

Cris: When "B-Wom" asked a wacky question, he plunged a pencil deep into the body of a living chair.

Curt: (Looking a chair): Hey, I didn't do that just now, did I?

Cris: Blame it on the Reivers!

Curt: I haven't gone haywire. The last time i went haywire was 52 days ago.

Breakfast: In what areas of your life do you feel incompetent?

Cris: Self-catheterization. Shaving the backs of my eyeballs.

Breakfast: Who did you meet in prison, and how did it change your life?

Curt: I met, uh, Vinnie from "Wiseguys" and I realized it was just a television set-up. It converted me to Mormonism.

Breakfast: What's your second favorite crime?

Curt: (laughing) My second favorite crime! Flatulent self-indulgence.

Breakfast: What movie would you like to have been killed in?

Curt: I would like to have Audra sit on my face to death in "Big Valley."

(Guy from club comes in and asks if there's enough food left for the Reivers.)

Cris: I've got a lot of it left on my plate.

Breakfast: If you had unlimited funds to spend on market-research or public opinion poll, what would you try to find out?

Curt: How many fingers Shere Hite's pussy was. Well, it's a market research poll, not a sex-research poll. See, I'm totally sexually motivated. Um, let me think here. For a market research poll.

Cris: Got my whole leg up there.

Curt: Ah, let's see. I want a, I would probably spend it on, you know, the analysis of goldfish farts or something, no it's market research, i don't know anything about market research, people's choice in bowling balls, the world's favorite food. You know, all around favorite food, probably Saltines.

Breakfast: How do numbers control your life?

Cris: Well, Doo Doo is Number Two.

Curt: Yeah, Number One and Number Two, you have to remember them so you don't end up, like...

Cris: You don't end up stinky.

Curt: ...crapping while your standing up. You have to remember that Number Two means sit down.

Cris: Otherwise it gets all over your heels.

Breakfast: Would you trade places with Blo Boo-Boo?

Cris: Who?

Breakfast: Blo Boo-Boo.

Curt: Glo Boo-Boo? Ha ha...

Cris: Who's that? You guys should make an article of just questions. Just an article like, "Question s For Other Fanzines For Turgid Interviewers." "B-Wom's" gift to other fanzines to show you're not competitive. Por la causa.

Breakfast: What is a thinkathon?

Cris: It's like those smellable, those gumball smelling tennis shoes for kids except they smell like thought.

Breakfast: Who is the hero? Who is the villain?

Cris: Glo Boo-Boo?

(Curt laughs)

Breakfast: Blo Boo-Boo.

Curt: Glo Boo-Boo. The hero... I don't know, I'll give that one to Cris. It's too broad in scope.

Cris: The hero is Constapato. And the villain is Diuretica. Diureticon.

Breakfast: What's the opera called?

Cris: "The Home For Flying 80-Year-Olds." "Airborne at the Met."

Breakfast: What do you want for your birthday?

Curt: (rubbing leg with pencil) (in English accent) I want a really big bomb, man, to blow up a lot of people with.

Cris: Weally, weally loud...I want to have all my limbs broken. With pliers.

Curt: (in English accent): A little bit at a time?

Breakfast: What did your face look like before you were conceived?

Curt: (still with accent): It was like a glowing white bulb with a tail, eh?

Cris: Just the other day I remembered the two different halves of myself, I remembered my egg form and my sperm form. Most of my snottiness comes from my ma - my egg form. it is from my sperm form that i garnered the ability to fly. And to become invisible.

Breakfast: We have heard occasionally of people who drown in a bathtub, but would we ever seriously consider prohibiting the taking of a bath?

Curt: I would say that it would be better just to go ahead and outlaw water altogether.

Cris: But not to eliminate drowning. it's because it's clear.

Curt: Just start now, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound o' cure.

Breakfast: Why did Yin and Yang get divorced?

Cris: To get to the other side.

Breakfast: Do you wear a uniform?

Cris: No, the killing of unicorns is illegal. Too heavy.

Breakfast: How small can a man get?

Cris: How high the sky?

Breakfast: What are Aerobics? No...It happened on the night of January 12, 1966, within thirty miles of Times Square, yet most Americans never heard of it. Why not?

Cris: Everybody fucks.

Curt: What happened to them? God, I'm bleeding, I poked myself.

Breakfast: What's your favorite concept album?

Curt: Um...Jeez, that's a hard one. It's a really hard one, there are so many greats.

Cris: "J.C. Superstar."

Curt: Is that really a concept album though?

Cris: Fuck yeah. It's a rock opera about smut.

Curt: I don't know, I don't like c -- I guess "Cabaret." That's a movie soundtrack though, I don't know, I never owned any concept albums.

Breakfast: Any ambitions to write a rock opera?

Curt: Um, well...

Cris: (yelling) It's the hardest interview we've ever been given!

Curt: Yes, yes I do.

Cris: The "B-wom" editors are MEAN!

Curt: I do wanna write a rock opera. But I need investors first.

Breakfast: Any advice for young people interested in your line of work?

Cris: Get a manager to screen the questions that the mean "B-wom" editors might possibly ask you if they ever wanna interview ya.

Breakfast: "May she not eat an offering of holy things?"

Curt: Well you know, it depends on what kind of lipstick she wears.

Cris: (in creepy voice): How many fingers is she?

Curt: I say the brighter the lipstick, the brighter red the lipstick, the more unholy the offering she may eat.

Breakfast: Is stoning to death a form of forgiveness?

Curt: I always thought it was a form of entertainment, but...

Cris: The poor little stones don't have a say in it...I have the ability to melt rocks and turn them into soup.

Breakfast: Burro, camel, car, rail, ship, and plane: when each of us is a peace with the self, how shall we ride?

Curt: (laughs) Uh...

Cris: Our own backs.

Curt: I don't know...Like, Superglue a bunch of turtles together at the edge. Like a couple of square feet of box turtles.

Cris: Square miles.

Curt: Yeah, a whole big football field-sized sheet of turtles Superglued together...and take 'em out on the salt flats.

Cris: Yeah, like plate tectonics.

Curt: I'm sure there was enough of this crap for the Reivers, I really hope they don't have to go without eating tonight, it would be awful, wouldn't it.

Breakfast: How do you suspend the operation of conscious decision?

Cris: Call it up and reschedule you appointment.

Curt: (with English accent) With like a 15-foot bamboo pole. Make sure it's put over pudding. Gotta suspend it over pudding, with bamboo. Well, you never know, it could work, it really could.

(Curt relates conversation with the manager they had in England about natural disaster and pagan sacrifice.)

Curt: He's going, "You never know, it could work, i like The Smiths, don't I?"

Cris: "Mind you, it's not as good a saying nothing but you might be like maybe worshiping Christ or playing rock and roll..."

Curt: "Or being an American with a gun, you filthy fucker."

Breakfast: How about the other countries, how did those go?

Curt: We hated them t --, I mean, we were having a great time, until we started to hate was great. I was really surprised though...

Cris: They're all really ugly and short and fucked up. And we're so perfectly beautiful that we were disgusted by their shortcomings...

Breakfast: We should get the Reivers in here, try some of the questions on them.

Cris: They'll come in here going, "Watch it, we're on Capitol, we'll get the fucking Capitol reps up here and kick your little B-wom butts."

Curt: I think you set off Cris' timer. You better -- Lizzy, have you got any extra pads with you?

Cris: Bleeding, ohhhh bleeding.

Breakfast: How much do you like to leave to chance?

Cris: Oh, about that much. (gestures)

Curt: Not much you can do about your digestion, really. I don't know. But I don't bother my neighbor about what he should eat, do I?

Derrick: What the hell are you doing in here?

Curt: Like I wouldn't go next door and advertently throttle one of his children.

Cris: Inadvertently, maybe.

Curt: Inadvertently, but that's chance... Uh, I need to inhale mutant fumes.

Breakfast: What was your favorite toy when you were a kid?

Curt: Me manners, eh. My favorite toy? My housebreaking bone. (Looking at TV) Lookit, Phil's got twins. Uh, it woulda had to been my Phil Donohue puppet. (Using weird European accent) Ah, that feels good. That really feels good, doesn't it? I like to press on you. I really like it when I press on you. I know you are not enjoying this but I am enjoying it and I really like it too. (Manchurian accent) Perhaps you would be more comfortable if I hit you while I pulled on your leg?

(Woman from club comes up and requests something. After she leaves, Cris says "I was ready to go do it until she got snippish about it," and then pours a cup of cola all over the television set.)

Curt: You could get electronically electrocuted that way, dude. You could get totally electrocuted that way, electronically. The easy way.

Breakfast: Cris, how did you get hold of your instrument?

Cris: I reached down between my legs and made a grasping motion with my hand.

Curt: The instrument, really, it's like a tweezer, like a needlenose plier.

Cris: That sounds like Bostrom.

(Breakfast Twins are asked to go pick up Curt's missing instrument at the bus station.)

Curt: Go away from us with your stupid fucking interview.

(We sure hope he didn't mean it!)

-Lizzie Kate Gray / Gregg Turkington

(Breakfast Without Meat #12 1988)